Where do I even begin with this post?
I genuinely didn’t forget about this blog over the last nine months or so. I knew it was here. I wanted to have things to say. I just… didn’t, because last year was pretty much a loss as far as horses go even outside of the general state of the world, so what was I going to talk about?
Cooper was going so well at the end of 2019 and then, well, first there was the cut on his leg saga, then busy season started for me at work so I couldn’t ride except once on the weekend, then the entire world shut down and I didn’t see him for a month and a half except for the one time that I went out to drop off his Platinum, then we made it to one hunter pace and one cross-country schooling last May and things seemed like they were maybe picking up again, only then he grew and his stifle problems reemerged, and then the generator at the barn died and we had no lights so I once again couldn’t ride except on the weekends, and then he somehow managed to throw out literally his entire body doing some something outside and was straight-up angry under saddle because of how uncomfortable he was (can’t blame him for that one), and now we’re here.
He got chiro work and massage in mid-January and has been fine since then (which is why he’ll be getting chiro work every couple of months. He is very large and also ridiculous so him throwing things out of place is pretty much a given at this point), aside from some general weakness due to basically not working for six months and some unsurprising fresh baby horse nonsense courtesy of the aforementioned not really working and the weather changing, and I have to say I needed that improvement from him on so many different levels.
I’ve been feeling incredibly unmotivated for the last while (some of which I attribute to, again, the general state of the world, but a good bit of which I’m pretty sure is just my brain Doing Things again, because it’s not a state that I’m entirely unfamiliar with even if I haven’t felt it in a while), and not being able to do much of anything with him wasn’t helping matters. I got a new job in June and I’m working better hours (the novelty of not having to work til 10 or 11 p.m. every night for the last two months still hasn’t worn off), but it’s exhausting in other ways, and it’s remained a challenge to drag myself out to the barn after work, especially when it’s cold and dark and windy. Most weeks I manage three rides, but some weeks it’s been none, and that doesn’t do much to help a horse with a sticky stifle who needs consistent work to be comfortable on it.
I’m just not satisfied, which is hardly a unique experience, but very few things about my life in the last few years have really felt like the right fit. I went into the field that I work in so that I could afford to own a horse, and I don’t regret that (tonight was another night where I was struck by the “Holy shit, it’s been almost two years and this horse is mine” moment), but I don’t particularly care for it either. It’s not intellectually stimulating and even with a more consistent schedule, it eats up enough of my life and my mental energy that I find it challenging to do the things that I do want to be doing, so… I’m trying to do something about that.
In a lot of ways I feel like I’m back at the beginning with everything. I’ve decided that I’m going to go back to school, because I’m done trying to pretend that I’m not an academic at heart (I’m an academic raised by academics, I don’t know why I’m surprised), and I’m feeling that same anxiety about standardized testing that I felt as a teenager when I think about taking the GRE (which will happen this year, damn it). I’m trying to rediscover my motivation for writing, because I’ve done basically none of it over the last couple of years aside from my NaNoWriMo adventures, which has required revisiting those uncomfortable early stages of story development that I haven’t really sat in for a long time. I’m trying to rebuild the strength in my hands and the calluses on my fingertips so that I can play piano and guitar consistently, and relearning all the breath control that I used to have so that I can actually play the flute again (well, more than Minuet in G Major, anyway).
It was back to the beginning with Cooper too, pretty much, after he had all of the body work done. We mostly just walked, and then we walked and did a little bit of trotting, and then we did a bit more trotting, and tonight I popped him over a tiny crossrail a few times and he cantered out the last time and we made it a couple of laps around the arena before I said that was enough and we quit. Was it quick? Yes. Was it balanced? Not especially. Did he grab the bit and run like he has in the past when we’ve tried to canter inside? No. Did he buck? No. He settled into it and I didn’t feel like he was taking off with me and I was honestly so happy at the end that I almost cried. It’s such a stupid little thing, but… isn’t that the point? It’s all about the stupid little things, because all of the stupid little things add up to the big things, eventually.
I’m trying to keep that philosophy everywhere in my life right now, as challenging as it can be. I’m trying to break all of the things that I want down into those stupid little things, so that I can actually feel like I’m getting somewhere. I set myself a bunch of goals for this year in my planner, but I broke them down into what I feel are manageable chunks: post a weekly writing wrap-up on my writing blog. Post at least two videos on my personal YouTube channel every month (mostly about books and writing and singing some songs sometimes). Post at least one video a month on my riding YouTube, which has gone basically unused at this point (not actually aiming to actually start doing this til the summer, my Pivo has a difficult time with the absolute lack of contrast that comes from all of my winter riding clothes being dark colors, lol). Take the GRE. Finish one writing project every quarter (they’re all rewrites this year, it’s possible). Make at least two posts on this blog every month (so here’s number one for March, fancy that). Teach myself to finger-pick another song on guitar (Cherry Wine is all I’ve got right now, alas). Have all of my grad school applications ready by Thanksgiving at the absolute latest, since most of the deadlines are in December or January. Take Cooper to the local unrecognized mini trial in early September at the venue where I rode my first mini trial almost twelve years ago, even if all we do is Intro. Relearn how to play Schubert’s Impromptu op. 142 no. 3 in B-flat major on the piano. I should probably also add finishing that scarf that I started literally two years ago to this list, but… we’ll get there.
It’s all very daunting. Feeling like I’m starting from nothing with basically everything is very daunting, but that’s just the way of things, isn’t it? I started from nothing when I learned how to ride. I started from nothing when I learned how to play the piano. Sure, I can sit here and wonder what would’ve happened if I’d picked a different major, or leaned into the audience that I had for my writing when I was fifteen instead of deciding that I wasn’t satisfied with my work and pulling everything down my freshman year of college, or made different choices about my riding, or kept practicing piano through high school and college instead of basically giving it up except for when I would play Christmas carols, but dwelling on that doesn’t accomplish anything except making me feel like I can’t do all of these things that I want to do, and that’s hardly productive, so I’m going to focus on the little steps forward.
I’m going to focus on every little square that I check off on the chart that I made to help me keep track of these things. I’m going to focus on the 8500 words that I’ve written so far on this quarter’s writing project. I’m going to focus on Cooper actually looking for the contact from the beginning of our rides, even if he’s not entirely sure what to do with it yet (but boy is it funny to watch him puzzle it out). I’m going to focus on how much less I have to fight him for bend now. I’m going to focus on every tiny bit of additional balance and control that we get at the canter. I’m going to focus on how much he already seems to enjoy jumping, even though he’s done an almost nonexistent amount of it (he was going to throw a boredom tantrum tonight, and then I stuck a 6-inch crossrail in front of him and all thoughts of nonsense immediately disappeared). These are all good things. They’re little things, but they’re good things, and I know they’re going to add up. They make me want to work for more of them. They make me feel like I can somehow do all of this and actually be successful.
I don’t believe in luck or fate, really, so I’m not going to say that I believe that everything is going to work out because the world wills it that way, but I absolutely do believe in my ability to get things done if I really set my mind to it, so why should any of this be any different?
Spymaster Equestrian 